Changes

There's the old saying, "The only thing that never changes is that everything changes." Well, that's true. Another one I like is, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Last year, a lot of things changed--my dad had bypass surgery, my beloved PaPa died, we bought a house and moved, friends and family from the PNW came to stay with us, and my biological father died. It was a mixed bag of good and bad. More bad than good, so I was happy to see 2017 go. Buh-bye.

Some days life feel like this...

And this year is starting out with changes too. BookFish Books, the small press I've worked for since 2013, is closing its doors. It's a bittersweet thing for me. On the one hand, I'm sad for the authors, sad the business wasn't able to stand the test of time, sad because these beautiful books won't be in the world, at least temporarily (I hope some of the authors will sign with other presses or self-pub). And on the other hand, it gives me more time to focus on my writing, build my editing business, and work with new authors at Tenacious Books Publishing.

But still, it's hard to say goodbye. Some of the BookFish people are like family to me. Thankfully we live in a digital world where everyone is just a text or email away. And yet...it'll never be the same.

In general, I would say I roll with change quite well (except for the season changes because I abhor winter), so I consider myself pretty adaptable. But I still haven't accepted PaPa's loss, and I'm still puzzling out the situation with my biological father's death. Deek always says I'm a deep thinker with a huge brain. While I suppose that's good in a lot of ways, it can make letting go of deeply important things that much harder.

His BabyDoll forever...

At the same time, change reminds us to be thankful for the times we had and the things that are the same. I'll always have my memories of PaPa, and I'll be his BabyDoll for the rest of my days. I'll always be proud of the BookFish team and the amazing books we unleashed upon the world. Some of these things may fade in my mind over time, but the imprint they leave on my heart will last forever. 

So as things go away, I'm focusing on what's still here. While Deek and I will grow and changes as people and as a couple, we'll stand the test of time. That knowledge brings me great comfort in these moments when changes overwhelm me. I glance at my husband, and a peace comes over me. He's my rock, my happy place, my calm in the storm. When my heart aches over PaPa, or when ponder life because of what happened to my biological father, or when I choke up working on the final paperwork for BookFish, Deek is there. He's there to hold me when I cry, discuss my many random and varying theories, and tell me everything is going to work out fine. He's full of life, joy, passion, and humor. I adore that about him!

This man, y'all! This man makes my world so bright!!

In times of change or uncertainty, grab on to what is real, loving, and tangible. Remember the good times from the past, but step boldly into your future.

Erin and Deek forever!

Tenacious Books Publishing

Molly and Ryder, my YA sci-fi novel

The First Birthday Without PaPa

Today would have been PaPa's 85th birthday. It's weird because he always said he'd never make it to 85, and he didn't. But I always thought he would. To me, he was invincible. He could do anything--move mountains, climb skyscrapers, anything. He was my PaPa, and I, his Babydoll, adored him.

It's been almost five months since he passed, and I still can't utter his name without choking up. I still can't stand to look at pictures because it still hurts too much. Even though I know he's not coming back, I find myself gazing at "his" chair in his office and at his house and wishing he'd just magically appear there. In fact, I get a little ruffled under the feathers if someone sits there because it's PaPa's chair.

Deek and I were talking recently about when people die and how the people left here are keepers of their memories. And I cried wondering when my generation and the one after me--those who experienced the greatness of PaPa--are gone, who will remember him? I don't want the wonderfulness that is him to fade. And Deek told me that every time I show love, mercy, gratefulness, and generosity, I'm spreading PaPa's spirit to the world. They may not remember him personally, but he'll still leave his mark when I'm kind because he was and someone else is kind because I was. In that same way, PaPa himself spread the light and love of his parents and grandparents to me even though I never knew them.

It's not the same, but it's something. It's a way for me to keep PaPa's memory alive past him, past me, past the generation behind me. I'll tell a few more jokes. Try to live in the present more rather than focus on the future. I'll hug my people every time I see them. I'll pursue my passions and dreams with more gusto. I'll put my nose to the grindstone and work even harder. I'll do my best to show the traits I learned from PaPa, and in doing so, you'll know him a little too. And maybe after I share joke, you'll tell it at a get together, and when people laugh, PaPa will be there. And someone else will tell that same joke, and the cycle continues. Man, PaPa did love a joke. I can still hear his laughter in my head and in my heart.

PaPa had five wonderful brothers and a lovely sister. I can still see each one of their faces and hear their voices in my mind. They understood the meaning of family, and they taught it to all of their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I don't want any of them to fade. So, I'm going to post a picture and list all their names so there's a record. And when you see them, I want you to think of your own family--your mother, your brother, your wife, your child--and I want you do something today that shows them you love them. And when you do, these seven people will be there, smiling and laughing because family was everything to them.

Top row, left to right: Stacy, Ed, Harold

Bottom row, left to right: Darwin (PaPa), Wendell, John (aka: Bunky), and Eldred

I love you, PaPa. I miss you, and I always will. I know they say "time heals all wounds" and all that, but I don't think I'll ever really get over losing you. I will, however, do my best to make you proud and keep your spirit alive now and in the future.

Happy Birthday! 

Looking For A Gift?

Would you sacrifice everything for love?

A life must be lost. Who will make the ultimate sacrifice? 

Lawson lives a simple life: a job at a brewery, and his basketball and hockey leagues. Even his eccentric lifelong friend and roommate—who is intent on discovering time travel—doesn’t complicate things. Then Jory appears. Lawson feels an immediate attraction to her, yet their attempts at dating end with him thinking it just isn’t meant to be. But Jory refuses to give up. 

When one date ends tragically, Lawson turns to his best friend and the experimental time travel program he’s invented. But, no matter what he does, each time the reset ends with a loss. 

It’s clear…a life must be lost, and Lawson is prepared to give his for Jory. But he isn’t the only one playing with time. 

Will he spare Jory by forfeiting his own life? Or will someone else make the ultimate sacrifice?

Buy now:

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Excerpt:

Chapter 1

“So you’re going for the stalker approach, I see.”

Lawson sighed and shifted his gaze to the table. Der- rick was a jerk, but he was also right.

“She just moved here from Washington.”

Despite himself, Lawson raised an eyebrow and prompted for more information from his boss. Their boss. “State or DC?”

“State. Some small town east of the Cascades. I don’t remember the name.” Derrick took a big bite of his ham- burger and only half chewed it before continuing. “She at- tended Central Washington University, but didn’t graduate. She was going for a B.S. in Craft Brewing. That’s the main reason she got the job. She’s qualified. The fact that she’s smoking hot is just a bonus.”

Lawson cringed. “Pretty sure admitting that you find her attractive is verging on illegal, dude.”

Derrick shrugged. “Probably. Hell, not finding you at- tractive could probably get me in trouble these days.”

Lawson snorted. His gaze wandered to Jory one more time. He’d barely said three words to her in the few days she’d worked at the brewery. Her beauty intimidated him, making him stammer like a pubescent teen. He seemed to be the only one having that problem. She sat at a table with three guys from bottling and a girl from the office. The guys looked like total vultures, with beady eyes and hunching postures as if ready to pounce. But Jory appeared oblivious. She laughed at their stories and seemed to share her own.

Why the hell was he sitting with Derrick instead of at that table? He should have sat down with them when he came into the break room. It would’ve been natural. Instead, he slumped his big, bulky body into the corner like the stalker Derrick accused him of being. The light that glinted off her auburn waves when she tossed her head back to laugh made his fingers itch. The long line of her neck taunt- ed him: I know you want to taste me.

Curling his hands into fists, he tipped his head forward so that his chin length hair made a curtain between them and focused on his plate of food, deciding to finish his lunch fast and get the hell back to work.

Derrick took a healthy swig of his beer and slammed the pint down on the table with determination. “I’m gonna ask her out.”

Lawson’s throat went dry, and he almost choked. He forced his bite of food down before replying. “You can’t, dude. You’re her boss. You can’t date her.”

“We just won’t tell anyone.” “You just told me.” “Are you gonna run to the big wigs and tell them?” “Well, no. But...” He wanted to come up with a compelling argument against Derrick asking Jory out. Derrick was good looking and made more money, and he had some weird charm that girls seemed to fall for all the time. If the risk of losing his job wasn’t threat enough, Lawson was screwed. “Dude, I’d hate to see you go.”

Derrick laughed. “I guess it would be pretty stupid of me to put my job in jeopardy. It’s a sweet gig.”

Lawson nodded, hopeful.

“Maybe I’ll fire her.”

Buy now:

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About the author:

***Straight to the heart***

LA Dragoni isn’t too particular about who falls in love or where they fall in love. She simply considers it her job to capture the story about their love. Whether it’s paranormal, mythical, or time travel, LA will be there to divine their story for you. She lives in Central Oregon with her husband and children, but haunts ghost towns and cemeteries up and down the west, in search of the next adventure to sift through her storytelling brain. Learn more about LA and her work at ladragoni.com

Anniversary Joy

Hey, y'all! This month is an exciting one because it's mine and Deek's anniversary month! Well, one of them at least. LOL! Yep, we got married twice (once on each coast since we're from opposite coasts).

Wedding #1 -- PNW

Wedding #2 -- Southern

I was thinking today about "new" love versus "older" love, and I think older love gets a bad rap. Everyone talks about the euphoria of new love and how the butterflies are everything. Fairytales end at the wedding or final get together moment, but no one shows the after. Probably because they think watching the Prince go to work while Cinderella takes care of the kids (or visa versa or watching them both go to work), watching them pay bills or attend a concert, or watching them participate in "regular life" isn't very exciting. But by not seeing the married Prince and Cinderella, you're missing out on the best part. On the love that comes with a long-term relationship.

Erin and Deek -- the early days

You see, there's something amazing that develops the longer you're with the right person. A deep, more profound love that blows new, euphoric love out of the water.

Erin and Deek now

While it's not nearly as flashy as that falling in love feeling, there's something special about hearing someone say a certain phrase, turning to your partner, and sharing that smile because it reminds you of a joke known only between the two of you. There's something about coming home with news--good or bad--and knowing you have someone to share it with. There's something about saying, "Remember when we..." and having someone to reminisce with. There's something about having another person know exactly what you want or need and being there to provide it and being able to do that for them.

Life is in those little moments. Everyone thinks life and love happen in the big moments, but they don't. They're found in the every day. Cooking dinner together. Dancing in the kitchen. Laughing about something silly while you're getting ready for work. Sitting in bed sipping coffee and talking about the day ahead. Holding hands during a walk. Lying in one another's arms after a long day. Knowing that you have a person--your person, the person--who'll ride the ups and the downs of life by your side, hand in hand.

Our greatest desire as humans is to be known--truly known--and loved. True love comes from understanding someone at their core, at their innermost being. It's knowing all the ugly things about them, in addition to all the beautiful things, and saying, "Given everything that I know, I still love you. I still want to be with you. You, above anyone else."

The longer you're together, the more you know about each other. You can't hide your bad side, your quirks, or your faults when you live with someone and do life with them. Everything comes out. But to have all your bad parts exposed and to have your partner still gaze upon you like you're the most wonderful thing they've ever seen...that's older love. That's precious, rare, genuine, and priceless.

Given what I know about Deek, I love him more now than I did then. Every single day, I love him just a little bit more. I'm not exactly sure how that happens, but it does. He is truly the very best person I know. He's genuine, loving, witty, brilliant, hardworking, tenacious, giving, and thoughtful. I could keep going, but then this blog would be lightyears long. ;) 

But I say all that to say I understand him at his core, at the innermost part of his being, and I'm deeply in love with him. I know him. I know his good and his bad (and he knows mine). And given that, I'd still choose him--every day, every moment, always and forever. 

Happy Anniversary, my beloved! Thank you for loving me when I'm at my best and when I'm at my worst. Thank you for taking the time to see deep into my soul and for loving what you see. Thank you for treating me like I'm the most precious thing you've ever encountered and making sure I always know how much you love me. Thank you for always making time for "us," no matter what else is happening in our lives. Thank you for this wonderful life--this precious, rare, priceless love that comes after the fairytale. Because this part is the real fairytale. 

I love you, Deek! Now and always. Here's to many more in this lifetime and in the beyond! 

Being with Deek still makes me feel like dancing

He's so romantic!

This is how we look at each other, and I love that!

#Always

Guardian's Touch Release, Guest Post, and Giveaway by LA Dragoni

I'm stoked to have LA Dragoni on the blog again. She's a Pacific Northwesterner, and though I'm only adopted by the side of the country, I still hold a special place in my heart for it and the people there.

Pacific Ocean

Guest Post by LA Dragoni

And they lived happily ever after.

Fairy tales such as Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella lead you to believe that once the evil queen is banished the rest of life is a breeze.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you go out to your car on Monday morning only to find the battery dead, the washing machine breaks the night before a big presentation, you stop at Walmart to pick up insulin for your diabetic dog and when you come back out to the car you have a flat tire…

You get my point. Hard to be happy during a week like that.

Perhaps you’ve read of those couples that die natural deaths within 24 hours of each other after 60 years of marriage. Or the couple that renews their wedding vows on their 50^th wedding anniversary. Or maybe you follow Erin and Deek!

Happily ever after is real, but with unexpected medical bills, or late nights at the office, or a failed business that sucks your savings dry…is it possible? How do you last that fifty plus years when life keeps throwing challenges at you?

Try adding cruel ghosts to the agenda. Ghosts who want freedom from the void they’re bound to. And the only way they can gain that freedom is through the one you love. Could you, your partner, and your happily ever after withstand that?

But this is a celebration! A celebration of a book release. Yay! So let’s talk about happier things. In Guardian’s Touch, Tamara surprises Dex with a weekend getaway to show him how much he means to her. 

In your comment, share a getaway you’ve particularly loved – or one that’s on your bucket list. Then be sure to claim all the entries you qualify for in the rafflecopter for your chance to win swag. 

GUARDIAN’S TOUCH by LA Dragoni

Life has returned to normal for Tamara and Dex after helping a horde of ghosts cross over. Their brush with the afterlife affirmed one thing: happily ever after is real.

When odd pranks around the farm escalate to destruction, Tamara fears mischievous teenagers are vandalizing the neighborhood. Then Dex starts to act out of character. Meanness slips into his usually playful disposition. One day he even ridicules a co-worker publicly. Tamara watches helplessly as he seems to lose the ability to control his own actions. When Dex’s abnormal anger turns violent—toward Tamara—their happily ever after is threatened. Desperate to help Dex and herself, she sends out a silent prayer for help.

She didn’t expect Cal to come to her aid.

Available now on Amazon in print and for Kindle.

Final week!
http://amzn.to/1G7ZpC4

a Rafflecopter giveaway

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

LA Dragoni isn’t too particular about who falls in love or where they fall in love. Whether it’s paranormal, mythical, or time travel, LA simply considers it her job to divine their story and share it with you. She lives in Central Oregon with her husband and children, but haunts ghost towns and cemeteries throughout the west, in search of the next adventure to sift through her storytelling brain. Learn more about LA and her work at ladragoni.com

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What is Self-Soothing?

A few days ago, someone told me that dealing with loss is a good time to practice self-soothing. I nodded, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. Lie in bed all day? Stuff my face with pizza? Cry until my tears run out? These are things I *want* to do, but I *need* to walk the line between grieving for someone who's gone and living for those who are still here.

via GIPHY

Deek tells me to be patient with myself, to take the time I need to grieve, and I love him so hard for his love, patience, and kindness. Sometimes I do lie in bed. Sometimes I do cry until my tears run out. And yes, I *have* stuffed my face with pizza. Twice.

via GIPHY

I honestly don't know how to grieve. I've been fortune to have friends and family with long lifespans, so this is my first real, adult experience with this sort of pain. And he was my PaPa. The first man I ever loved. He used to take me everywhere with him, and I was happy as a clam to go. He was my PaPa, and I was his BabyDoll.

The first man I ever loved walks me down the aisle to the last man I'll ever love. 

Poetic.

In college, I took a really great class called Relational Communication. In one lesson, we talked about grief and how to respond to people in the midst of it. Our professor said people don't want to hear platitudes. They don't want to hear you're sorry. They want you to be able to sit with them in their grief. Cry with them. Love them through their pain. 

At the time, I didn't truly understand. Now I do. 

I guess this is where experience teaches more than academia. Where life is learned by living, not studying. But I say with my whole heart, this is a lesson I'd rather not learn. 

via GIPHY

Yesterday, I spent the day with my Mema. We cried, we talked about PaPa, and we read some of the lovely cards friends and family had sent. But PaPa's absence filled the room.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for my Mema. If you're the good vibes sort, please send them her way. This woman lost her partner, her best friend, and the love of her life. They were together over 60 years--married almost 63. 

My heart aches, my throat closes, and a fresh wave of tears form when I think of her sleeping in her bed alone, eating alone, *being* alone. It breaks my heart because I know, I witnessed firsthand, just how very much they loved each other.

If you see me or talk to me and I'm not myself, know that I'm muddling through this tsunami of grief. I'm trying to figure out how to self-soothe, whatever that means. I'm trying to make sense of a world that doesn't have PaPa in it. And know that even when I reach the other side of this sea of sadness, I'll never quite be the same. Because like I said before...this BabyDoll is sorely lacking without her PaPa.