Changes

There's the old saying, "The only thing that never changes is that everything changes." Well, that's true. Another one I like is, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Last year, a lot of things changed--my dad had bypass surgery, my beloved PaPa died, we bought a house and moved, friends and family from the PNW came to stay with us, and my biological father died. It was a mixed bag of good and bad. More bad than good, so I was happy to see 2017 go. Buh-bye.

Some days life feel like this...

And this year is starting out with changes too. BookFish Books, the small press I've worked for since 2013, is closing its doors. It's a bittersweet thing for me. On the one hand, I'm sad for the authors, sad the business wasn't able to stand the test of time, sad because these beautiful books won't be in the world, at least temporarily (I hope some of the authors will sign with other presses or self-pub). And on the other hand, it gives me more time to focus on my writing, build my editing business, and work with new authors at Tenacious Books Publishing.

But still, it's hard to say goodbye. Some of the BookFish people are like family to me. Thankfully we live in a digital world where everyone is just a text or email away. And yet...it'll never be the same.

In general, I would say I roll with change quite well (except for the season changes because I abhor winter), so I consider myself pretty adaptable. But I still haven't accepted PaPa's loss, and I'm still puzzling out the situation with my biological father's death. Deek always says I'm a deep thinker with a huge brain. While I suppose that's good in a lot of ways, it can make letting go of deeply important things that much harder.

His BabyDoll forever...

At the same time, change reminds us to be thankful for the times we had and the things that are the same. I'll always have my memories of PaPa, and I'll be his BabyDoll for the rest of my days. I'll always be proud of the BookFish team and the amazing books we unleashed upon the world. Some of these things may fade in my mind over time, but the imprint they leave on my heart will last forever. 

So as things go away, I'm focusing on what's still here. While Deek and I will grow and changes as people and as a couple, we'll stand the test of time. That knowledge brings me great comfort in these moments when changes overwhelm me. I glance at my husband, and a peace comes over me. He's my rock, my happy place, my calm in the storm. When my heart aches over PaPa, or when ponder life because of what happened to my biological father, or when I choke up working on the final paperwork for BookFish, Deek is there. He's there to hold me when I cry, discuss my many random and varying theories, and tell me everything is going to work out fine. He's full of life, joy, passion, and humor. I adore that about him!

This man, y'all! This man makes my world so bright!!

In times of change or uncertainty, grab on to what is real, loving, and tangible. Remember the good times from the past, but step boldly into your future.

Erin and Deek forever!

Tenacious Books Publishing

Molly and Ryder, my YA sci-fi novel

The First Birthday Without PaPa

Today would have been PaPa's 85th birthday. It's weird because he always said he'd never make it to 85, and he didn't. But I always thought he would. To me, he was invincible. He could do anything--move mountains, climb skyscrapers, anything. He was my PaPa, and I, his Babydoll, adored him.

It's been almost five months since he passed, and I still can't utter his name without choking up. I still can't stand to look at pictures because it still hurts too much. Even though I know he's not coming back, I find myself gazing at "his" chair in his office and at his house and wishing he'd just magically appear there. In fact, I get a little ruffled under the feathers if someone sits there because it's PaPa's chair.

Deek and I were talking recently about when people die and how the people left here are keepers of their memories. And I cried wondering when my generation and the one after me--those who experienced the greatness of PaPa--are gone, who will remember him? I don't want the wonderfulness that is him to fade. And Deek told me that every time I show love, mercy, gratefulness, and generosity, I'm spreading PaPa's spirit to the world. They may not remember him personally, but he'll still leave his mark when I'm kind because he was and someone else is kind because I was. In that same way, PaPa himself spread the light and love of his parents and grandparents to me even though I never knew them.

It's not the same, but it's something. It's a way for me to keep PaPa's memory alive past him, past me, past the generation behind me. I'll tell a few more jokes. Try to live in the present more rather than focus on the future. I'll hug my people every time I see them. I'll pursue my passions and dreams with more gusto. I'll put my nose to the grindstone and work even harder. I'll do my best to show the traits I learned from PaPa, and in doing so, you'll know him a little too. And maybe after I share joke, you'll tell it at a get together, and when people laugh, PaPa will be there. And someone else will tell that same joke, and the cycle continues. Man, PaPa did love a joke. I can still hear his laughter in my head and in my heart.

PaPa had five wonderful brothers and a lovely sister. I can still see each one of their faces and hear their voices in my mind. They understood the meaning of family, and they taught it to all of their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I don't want any of them to fade. So, I'm going to post a picture and list all their names so there's a record. And when you see them, I want you to think of your own family--your mother, your brother, your wife, your child--and I want you do something today that shows them you love them. And when you do, these seven people will be there, smiling and laughing because family was everything to them.

Top row, left to right: Stacy, Ed, Harold

Bottom row, left to right: Darwin (PaPa), Wendell, John (aka: Bunky), and Eldred

I love you, PaPa. I miss you, and I always will. I know they say "time heals all wounds" and all that, but I don't think I'll ever really get over losing you. I will, however, do my best to make you proud and keep your spirit alive now and in the future.

Happy Birthday! 

A Tribute to PaPa and Family

On Friday (7/7/17), I received the call I'd always known would come one day but always hoped, however unrealistic, never would. My PaPa, my grandfather, left this earth peacefully in his sleep. I'm shattered. Devastated. Heartbroken. My PaPa is more special to me than there are words to express it. I've always been "PaPa's Babydoll." And though I know I'll continue to be, this BabyDoll is sorely lacking without her PaPa.

There is a hollowness inside my chest that aches. I know heartache isn't actually in the heart, but it sure feels that way. A few days ago, I read an article that said "Grief isn't linear." And that's true. Sometimes I can muster a smile, but other times, I can't hold back my tears. Grief is like this terrible up and down rollercoaster that you can't get off of. 

People keep asking me if I need anything. Yeah, I do. I need to have my PaPa back. 

I've always felt lucky to be part of my family, but I don't think I realized *just* how lucky I was (and how unique my family is) until I grew up. Not everyone gets together with their entire family--and by that, I mean well over a hundred people--several times a year. Not everyone knows the name and life story of their fifth cousin twice removed. Not everyone has a big group of people who cheer you on in the good times and cry with you in the bad times. Not everyone was taught the value of family and shown unconditional love.

But I was, and I'm forever grateful. And the reason I know all these things and was taught these wonderful values is because of this group right here: PaPa and his siblings.

Top, right to left: Stacy, Ed, Harold

Bottom, right to left: PaPa, Wendell, Bunkie, Eldred.

At first glance, to people who don't know them, they may just look like a bunch of old folks. But they're the liveliest bunch you'll ever meet. They had such depth of personality that it's impossible to catalog, but I'll try in as few words as possible. 

Stacy--The oldest, the leader, always ready with a hug. 

Ed--The storyteller who could leave you with a stomachache from laughing so hard. 

Harold--The jokester, who was always ready with a goofy grin and a riddle. 

Wendell--A hard worker with an infectious laugh. 

Bunkie--The quiet observer with an artistic soul. 

Eldred--Poised and regal despite growing up with six brothers. 

And PaPa--the baby--was a mix of them all. 

Though they're gone now, I can still hear the sound of their voices and the symphony of their combined laughter.

These people, along with Mema and her outstanding "kinfolk," created my family. And they didn't just limit our gathering to their family, they opened it up to our extended-extended family, to friends, and to the community. With their warm, generous spirits, they never wanted anyone to feel alone, especially during the holidays.

This is my heritage. This is my legacy. I am luckier than I have any right to be to have had these wonderful, amazing people in my life. And I'm forever changed by it.

Even as my heart breaks, I can hear PaPa saying, "Don't cry, BabyDoll. I'm juuust right, and I'll see you again directly." Until then, I'll endeavor to carry the torch and to model the behavior PaPa and his siblings displayed for me. I'll do my very best to apply their lessons to my own life--love deeply and passionately, give wholeheartedly, cherish your family, welcome everyone, be present in everything you do, laugh hard and often, tell jokes, be silly, explore your artistic side, honor your family name, set an example, and live your life to the fullest each and every moment.

This one image keeps coming into my mind, and it brings me a little comfort as I move through this non-linear grief. Backstory: PaPa and his brothers created a card game when they were little, and they played it all their lives. I can still see them sitting around a table playing it. They all had asthma. And they would laugh so hard during their card game that they'd all need their inhalers. Like synchronized swimmers, they'd whip out their inhalers, take a puff, and continue laughing and playing.

So, in my mind, I see his brothers and sister sitting around a table playing that card game, and they've had an empty seat waiting for years. This Friday, PaPa took that empty seat, and they dealt him a hand of cards. I can almost hear Stacy saying, "Lawd, Darwin, we've been waiting for you for a while now." And when I imagine this scene, my heart hurts a little less, just for a minute.

Goodbye, PaPa. I'll always love you and cherish the time I got to spend with you. I loved every minute of being your BabyDoll, and I'll do my best to make you proud.

Birth's Birthday and a very Merry Christmas!

Hello, friends! I hope you had a very Merry Christmas and will have a wonderful upcoming new year! 2016!! WOOT!

Deek and I had a fabulous Christmas! It was full of love, laughter, fun, and family! Pictures to come at the end of the blog (you knew there would be). I got to FaceTime with my Southern family!! My mom took the phone around to different groups of family, and Deek and I were able to chat with them for a while. It was the next best thing to being there. And I got to see my PaPa and tell him I love him. After his illness, it did my heart good to see him smiling, surrounded by my loving family. Later on Christmas Day, we spent time with Deek's family. I learned how to play a new game and received a special message from Deek's dad that choked me up, in the best possible way. I am truly blessed to have amazing family on both sides of the country!

My PaPa is up and walking around!

Now that Christmas is done, Deek and I are looking toward 2016. And you know what happens then?? The birth of Deek's novella "Birth!"

Deek will be on blog tour from January 19-January 25. If you're interested in hosting his tour, please sign up using this Google Form. He'll do interviews, guest blogs, character posts, Top 10s, and author spotlights. If you do interviews or guest posts, give him hard questions. LOL!! He's been waiting for this moment for a long time, so please do me a solid and sign up to help spread the word. I am SO proud of my husband and SO excited for him! <jumps up and down while clapping>

Here are some pics from Christmas:

I already showed you pictures from the ZooLights, but I forgot this one in the MAX (public transportation) tunnels. It looks like that scene from the second Matrix, where Neo is stuck in the train station. So we always do a Matrix themed pic there. A group of people looked at us funny for having sunglasses on underground, but when we explained the Matrix connection, they loved it! Haha! Nerds unite everywhere! 

Deek had the whole week off, but we ended up running around doing errands and stuff nearly the whole time. On this particular day, Deek and I got up really early for a meeting about his book and had appointments the rest of the day. It was certainly a multiple cup of coffee day!

People, I found honest-to-goodness hushpuppies in the Pacific Northwest. As a Southerner, I miss this food item a great deal. We had to travel across the bridge into another state to get them, but I found some! WOOT! 

Out looking at Christmas lights.

These lights blinked and looked like the house was being electrocuted. It was kinda amazing.

The Christmas Eve tradition of making gingerbread houses continues... Creepily, at the moment we took this picture, Gingey from Shrek The Halls loomed behind us! 

Yea yea! How'dya like my house?

And we traveled to Peacock Lane (a Portland tradition) with Deek's parents again this year. We had a lovely dinner with them and then headed over to see the lights. Such a great night!

Peacock Lane decoration--fitting

Star Wars was well represented! 

Christmas Morning kisses

Every author needs a mug with their book cover on it!

Deek knows me so well! He got me a beautiful scarf with Shakespeare on it, and the color matches my eye color! 

LOL! Deek's dad trips me out!

I know you'll be shocked, but Deek and I got selfie sticks for Christmas. LOL!!

And, of course, we *had* to test it out...

Christmas Day full moon--the first one since 1977 and the last one until 2034. Glad I got to stand there and gaze up at it with my love.

I hope love, laughter, fun, and family filled your holiday season. And now, we have a brand new year to celebrate and embrace. It's full of unknown adventures and untold stories! Can't wait to explore it with my best friend/husband by my side. I know one thing that will grow in 2016 as it did in 2015...my love for Deek. I'm blessed beyond measure. Truly! <3

Things Change

A week ago today, I got the call that my grandfather was being rushed to the hospital for complications from pneumonia. I'd heard the day before that he'd come down with pneumonia but seemed to be doing fine, so the news shocked me. I know my grandfather is 83, but he's always been such a rock to me. More tests revealed he'd suffered a mild heart attack and may have a heart condition. He spent nearly a week in the hospital and has to go back to see a cardiac specialist after Christmas. But he's home and alive. I'm grateful.

It's so crazy to think you can just be living you life one day and then have something snatch the rug out from under you. For those that don't know, my mom was a single mom for quite some time. She met my stepdad (whom I call my dad) when I was little, but they didn't marry for a while. So, my grandfather, PaPa, has always been one of the most important men in my life. He's generous, loving, and hysterical. From the time I could walk, I followed him around, and he proudly took me places and bragged about his "Babydoll." 

And now he's sick, and I'm 3,000 miles away. I can't really describe how that makes me feel. Heartbroken. Terrified. Like I might cry at the drop of a hat. Like I'm willing to overcome my fear of flying for the chance to wrap my arms around his neck one more time. 

But I'm beyond thankful for modern technology. When my parents visited him yesterday, I got the chance to FaceTime. My gaze darted all over his face for evidence of injury, yet he looked fine. He told me he felt weak and tired, but he still made jokes and made me laugh. 

I know people don't live forever (much to my chagrin), but the world needs my PaPa's light a little longer. My family needs his light a little longer. I need his light a little longer. So, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate if you'd send up a prayer or good vibe or whatever you believe in for my PaPa. He's an incredibly special man who'd give you the shirt off his back. Thank you!

 My PaPa

Despite everything, Deek and I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit (though I must admit I'm still not quite there yet). Here are some pics of our latest adventures...

We celebrated Deek's birthday earlier this month!

We went to the tree lighting ceremony in our little town.

Had a date to finish up the last bit of Christmas shopping. We got it ALL done the first week of December (and came in under budget--Yay, Dave Ramsey!), so we're just chillin' the rest of the month. 

Got a free Christmas tree thanks to our old realtor and got our "ornament of the year" to go on it. It says "Best Friends" because that's truly at the core of our marriage. 

Deek snuck a kiss while we waited for a Christmas performance to begin.

We had some of Deek's college friends over for dinner, and they brought 15 (!!) books for me to sign. SO thrilled and so thankful to have supportive friends!

I also sold out of all the copies I have at home of The Fulfillment Series, so THANK YOU to everyone who bought signed copies for Christmas!! 

Even though our trip to San Francisco got cancelled, I still decided to go with the silver and black hair! Experimenting with hair color is so fun!

Surprised my hubby at work with his favorite blend of coffee. People, I am truly married to the greatest man alive, and I always want him to know how much I love and value him.

Found this little princess under the tree. Awwww!

Went to see Star Wars The Force Awakens the night BEFORE its official release. Deek and I braved the torrential rain and flooded roads to behold the greatness of the force.

Since we don't have the stress of shopping hanging over our heads, we can take our time and enjoy the sights and sounds of the season. Here's Deek with these creepy mannequins. LOL!

Fa-la-la-llama socks...just what every girl needs. 

It started snowing...IN the mall! 

We went to see the ZooLights with Deek's family. They rode the public transit with us--their first time! Such a fun-filled, memorable family night! I love my family, and boy do I love my husband. #LuckyWoman

Trippy!! The lights display transported us to Star Trek's warp speed AND gifted me with creepy vampire eyes. Winning! LOL!

This post may be my last before Christmas, so let me take the time to say Happy Holidays to all my readers, friends, and family. I hope your holiday is filled with laughter and love. I'm thankful that my grandfather will celebrate this Christmas at home with the rest of the family, and I'm excited to start another new year with Deek by my side.