Let's Talk About...It

This month is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Recently, the #MeToo movement has taken off and shown just how prevalent sexual assault and abuse is. Women (and some men), from around the country, around the world, and from all walks of life shared their personal stories about sexual assault and abuse. Since I'm a young adult author, I wanted to speak about the topic of sex, which some people label taboo, especially in the YA world. But let's be real. You think about it. You talk about it. Some of you even do it. How's that for getting to the heart of it? ;)

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First of all, no one, no one has the right to touch your body without your permission. That may seem obvious, but abusers and assaulters have a way of victim shaming and gaslighting to the point where victims can't differentiate between truth and the abuser's lies. NO ONE touches your body without your permission. Period. End of sentence. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

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If you are having sex, know this: Even if you've said "yes" before, you can always say "no." Hear that boys and girls? A former "yes" is not an always "yes." In dating relationships, in engagements, and yes, even in marriage, sex is not and should not be a given. You can say "no" for any reason. You're a person with thoughts, feelings, and desires, and if you don't want to, you don't have to. Sometimes you do want to, and sometimes you don't. Either one is absolutely, positively fine. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different.

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A lot of religions tell women that if their husbands want it, the wife should provide it. I grew up in churches that preached that, and here's what I have to say to that mentality...No. No. No. No. Women were not put on this earth to be at the beck and call of men. We are fully realized people, and we should be treated as such.

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If you're having sex, and your partner makes you feel bad for electing not to engage in sex one night or several nights or however long, you don't need to be with that person. If your partner shames you, forces you, manipulates you, claims "it's how he feels love so you have to do it," get out. GET OUT! Run as fast and as hard as you can in the other direction. To those people, sex is about power, so run like hell.

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We've talked a lot about what sex isn't, but what is it then? It's about love, respect, mutual pleasure, and mutual consent. I'm not talking about "mutual consent," where one person pressures the other into it and calls it consent. I'm talking about two people choosing to share their bodies with one another. And let me tell you, with the right person, it's transformative, transcendental. You should walk away from sex feeling like a million bucks. You should never feel dirty, used, or injured.

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Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like the movies. There will be times when you bump teeth or get tangled in a sheet awkwardly or have a foot cramp. Sometimes it will be fast and passionate, sometimes slow and tender. But it should always be a choice. And when you've freely made the choice and joined mind, heart, and body with the right person, it's more magical than mere words could ever express.

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Remember, YOU have a voice. YOU have a say. YOU don't have to do anything you don't want to when it comes to sex. Never, never, never.

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Until next time, be smart, be safe, and be fierce...

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Thoughts for the New Year

Happy New Year, everyone!! Deek and I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year, and we hope you did too!! 2017, baby!

Christmas kisses

Dancing to Lionel Richie on New Year's Eve. 

Deek had a cold and didn't feel particularly well, but he still danced with me. <heart eyes>

I had planned to do this whole "Here's Our Christmas" post with some reflections of the past and looking forward to the future, but then I came across an article. And after reading this article (it's at the bottom of the page), I knew I needed to blog about it.

In October, for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wrote about my past experience in a domestically violent relationship. You can read about that here.

To expound up on that, I'd like to speak, in particular, to women of faith in abusive relationships. Deek says I should write a book about my experiences, and maybe I will. But writing and publishing take a long time, and some of you need to hear these words now. So here it goes.

I'm Southern, and I grew up in very devout family in the middle of the Bible Belt. When I was a little girl, I used to sit at the kitchen table and listen to my Mema sing songs about Jesus while she cooked. I went to Christian school during my last few years of high school, and though my college broke from the Southern Baptist Convention, I still had to take religion classes as part of my general education. In fact, I took so many that I have a minor in Religious Studies. I've led Bible studies, taught children's church, and directed church Christmas plays. To say religion and faith have had a big influence in my life and upbringing would be an understatement.

Me with my grandparents, who'd come to visit me at college

 (excuse the squinty eyes--bright sunshine)

I got married at a young age, ready to start my wonderful little Christian adult life. So, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the boy I'd married was not what he'd claimed. Yep. You read that right.

I was married before Deek.

I am divorced.

I am remarried (spoiler alert: I'm remarried to the greatest man who's ever lived, so this story has a happy ending).

If you're like me and have grown up in a religious community, you can appreciate how hard it is for me to even utter the words "I am divorced," much less put them in a blog for the world to read. When I got married that first time, I intended it to be forever. My own biological parents are divorced (spoiler alert: my mom remarried, and I call that man my dad because he IS my dad--biology has no bearing on that). And although I am eternally grateful to have my dad in our lives, I never wanted to follow that path and be divorced.

Me and my beautiful Mama on her wedding day

But I'd married someone who purported to be one thing and ended up being another. So, I was stuck in a bad place, in a bad life. For years, I tried to make the best of it. I gave being a proper Christian wife the good, ole college try. I threw my whole self into making him happy and creating a nice home. But nothing made him happy, and our lives spiraled into dark, disturbing places.

Now, as a Christian woman, I was told to "never speak ill of my husband" and to "submit to him." I was told my body was his to do with as he pleased. So, I felt like I didn't have a voice. On the outside, I smiled and pretended everything was great, as I'd been instructed to do, but on the inside, I was dying. I was losing myself and being forced to do things I abhorred.

The fake smiles that I used to try to hide the truth about my life.

I joined a Bible study with a group of wonderful women. Our leader, whom I adored, told us we could tell the truth about ourselves and our lives in this group, and we built a circle of trust. As women in the group shed their masks and shared about eating disorders, their husband's pornography addiction, and other real truths about their lives, I opened up and shared one small thing--testing the waters. At the next meeting, the pastor stormed into the room and told us our Bible study was over. He said we'd been speaking ill of our husbands and could no longer meet, and he forced our Bible study leader to leave the church. All the women in the group were told to read a new book, about being better wives. This book said that we should not expect our husbands to change, so we should change ourselves instead.

Having attempted to speak out about my life and being summarily, and epically, shut down, I clammed up even more. And as a young woman of faith, I took the book's words to heart and tried to change myself. Every time my husband did something awful, I tried to turn it into a positive in my mind. And I died a little more inside. But instead of showing how much I hurt, how much that life was slowly killing me, I smiled and said nice things about the man who constantly hurt me. If you asked any of my friends about me at that time, they'd tell you they knew something was wrong in my life, but I always had a smile and an upbeat attitude.

As the days and years passed, and the violence escalated, I could no longer keep up the smiles. Every time I imagined my life in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years, the sheer weight of the depression that notion caused almost crushed me. But I stayed because good wives stay. Because my beliefs told me divorce was a terrible sin.

But it got harder to force those smiles.

One day, the violence spilled over into a new area, and I realized I faced a real life or death situation in our marriage. And I chose life. Now, let me say, my friends (many of whom are Christians) embraced my choice and rejoiced in the fact that I'd gotten to safety. And my family supported me wholeheartedly because they'd seen my fake smiles and had known something was wrong, but they hadn't known how to help me. In fact, my Mema (the one who sang all the Jesus songs when I was a little girl) told me, "God wouldn't have wanted you to keep living like that."

Despite their outpouring of love, I still felt ashamed I hadn't been able to keep my marriage together, to be a "good," long-suffering Christian wife. And I felt an overwhelming sense of failure.

Over the last few years, I've been talking to other survivors and to women who are trying to bring attention to domestic abuse in churches. And I've come to realize we all have similar stories of staying way past the point we should have because our religious convictions and community structures kept us there.

Profound

So, I'd like to speak to women of faith right now...women of all patriarchal faiths, not just Christianity. Please, read this article and understand that you don't have to stay, and if you've already left, know you are a brave warrior for having made that hard choice.

http://www.garythomas.com/enough-enough/

You are NOT alone. There are others like you. Be strong. Be safe.

There are many, many agencies set up to help women get out of domestic violence. They can point you in the direction of lawyers and law enforcement to protect you. Here are some (but be sure to check the ones in your local area):

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org/

National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/

Battered Women's Justice Project: http://www.bwjp.org/

Futures Without Violence: https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/

National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence: http://www.ncdsv.org/

No More: http://nomore.org/

(Keep scrolling to see my REAL smile, brought about by the sheer joy of my life now)

Wedding photo shoot w/Deek

Deek and I got married twice, for both sets of families on opposite coasts. 

At the second wedding, my PaPa walked me down the aisle!

Caught in a downpour

Deek makes me smile so big I think my face will crack! <3

Winter Is Coming and Other Rhew Updates

Winter is coming. <cries> I am a summer girl through and through. Give me the beach and warm sunshine any day. But alas, until Deek and I start our vagabond life and move to warm places in the winter, I'm stuck being frozen. <cries again>

How we survive winter--big coats, warm hats, and coffee!!

Be prepared to see lots of pics of me in hats because keeping warm is more important to me than cute hair. <cries> Winter...

Also, my pal Jessica Calla released a new book today: She Runs Away. It's the second in the Sheridan Hall series. Let me tell you, Jess really has her finger on the pulse of the NA romance market. You'll love her writing style and characters. Keep reading for more info on She Runs Away!!

Trinna just HAD to get her paws on a copy!

Physical therapy: 

So, Deek told you I've recently started physical therapy to heal the damage done to me in a previous relationship. You can read Deek's account, of watching a survivor struggle, here and my account about being a survivor here.

When I went to the doctor to talk about lingering pain I have from my time in an abusive relationship, I wanted a solution to fix it. The doctor ran tons of tests and handed me a piece of paper: undeniable, irrefutable proof, in black-and-white, of the abuse I'd suffered. And while it was affirming to see a tangible representation of the truths I'd spoken, it wasn't a solution. But sadly, all the doctors had to offer me was that proof; they said my pain would just be a "quality of life" issue.

Well, that didn't jive with me, so I did what I am freakishly good at doing: research.

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And I discovered many people had found real solutions to these problems in physical therapy. Again, I researched and found an office in my area that specializes in my type of situation. I called and told them about my pain, about who and what caused it, and asked if they thought they could help. And to my immense relief, they said they could.

On the first day I met with my physical therapist, she said given my history of being abused, I'd need a very specialized treatment program. She ran some tests and affirmed--as the doctors had--that abuse had caused my pain. BUT she disagreed with the docs about it being simply a "quality of life" issue. She saw no reason why I couldn't completely reverse the damage, even the bad ones done to certain nerves!! She explained it like this: My nerves had been damaged, and my muscles had grown accustomed to being constantly tense, constantly "on alert" and ready to protect my body. And even though I've been safe for years, my muscles and nerves don't know how to undo what they've learned. So, we're teaching them. And as the muscles stop preparing for attack, the damage to the nerves will heal. We have to get my body out of protection mode and into healing mode.

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Deek comes with me to my physical therapy sessions, and the therapist teaches him things he can do to help me at home. I am beyond blessed to have such a supportive partner throughout this process. My therapist says she's never seen an individual so prepared--yay, research--and a couple so committed to working together to tackle this problem. She said she knew from day one I would succeed in this endeavor because of it.

After only a few visits, I've already seen a marked reduction in pain. I will beat this. I will be victorious. With Deek by my side, as always. Stay tuned for the day when I proclaim: I am pain free!!

Team Tenacious tackles all problems...together. Boom!

Anniversary:

So, Deek and I celebrated another anniversary! We spent the weekend together: chilling, talking, eating, and getting a massage. I love how we both value time together rather than money spent. It's all about the time, my friends. 

Gosh, I epically adore this man!!!

Ready for massages

But first, some fries...

We always eat at Wendy's for lunch on our anniversaries because it's the first meal we shared together when we met in person.

Couple's massage...ahhhhhh.

Then we may have lived it up in a less relaxing location! LOL!

In Bookish News:

We got celebratory coffee after talking to the biggest local retailer about carrying our books!!

Deek got some super amazing, incredibly exciting book news, but we can't share the deets yet!

My friend and coworker, Jessica Calla, released her second book. It's soooooo good!

About She Runs Away: 

After tragedy strikes New Jersey University's Sheridan Hall, freshman quarterback Ben Riley’s stable, normal life is turned upside down. Sidelined from playing the game he loves and on the verge of losing his scholarship, Ben wants nothing more than to escape the chaos of college and return home to rural Pennsylvania and his family.

Yet, there is something that keeps him from running. Or someone. A cute blonde he had a chance with but blew off for all the wrong reasons.

Megan Smith has secrets. Secrets that have burned her in the past. Secrets she’s unwilling to share with anyone at Sheridan Hall—especially Ben, her sexy, rough around the edges floormate who broke her heart in a matter of days after moving into Sheridan. Meg decided early on that it’s easier to live life on her own than to share her secrets and let people in.

Meg runs and Ben follows, but sooner or later the clock on their chance at love will expire. With inner demons dragging them both down, they must find a way to stop running and trust one another, or risk losing their perfectly-matched love forever.

Buy It Now

This is Jess. Ain't she cute??

And Other Randomness:

Deek and I had the opportunity to go learn about falconry this past weekend. I'm a big history buff and proponent of the "never stop learning" ideal, so we went. We learned a ton about birds of prey and even got to pet a fluffy owl and touch a hawk's talons!!

We froze our buns off but learned a lot of fascinating things!

Annabelle the barn owl

Christmas is coming!!!

Nerding it up with my hat and glasses.

Trinna Baby wants to be part of the hand holding. Be still my heart!

Sometimes, we just can't be serious... ;) 

Until next time, be a beacon of light and love in the world. 

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and it's a subject that really resonates with me. You all know about my wonderful life with Deek, about our intense love for one another and how truly amazing he is. But I haven't always lived like this. I haven't always been loved, cherished, and protected. Before Deek, I was in a terrible relationship and lived a nightmare every day.

I AM A SURVIVOR.

I debated about writing this blog. Deek and I have discussed it, and he 100% supports me telling my story, especially if it will help other women. But like many women who've experience domestic abuse, I'm reluctant to talk about it. Yet this reluctance leaves the door open for more men to abuse their girlfriends, wives, and partners.

Ironically, when I went on Facebook this morning, a friend of my had posted this meme. I took it as a sign, so I'm speaking out.

I could go into the nitty gritty details of my life with my ex, what he did and all that, and one day I might. But our whole relationship was based on him--what he wanted, what he liked and didn't like, what he thought, and the lengths he'd go to in order to force me to do what he wanted. So, I'm not going to talk about him. It's not revenge or spite; it's freedom. One of the awesome things about not being with him anymore is that I'm free to do what I want, talk about what I want, and think what I think. And what I want to talk about is you.

You know who you are.

You probably look a lot like me.

A regular girl with sad eyes and a sad smile.

Domestic abuse takes many forms--physical, emotional, sexual, and even spiritual. Maybe you're a women who gets slapped or beaten for putting the dishes in the dishwasher the wrong way. Maybe you're a woman who's told you're stupid and worthless for long enough you start to believe it. Maybe you're a woman who's forced to endure someone else's sexual depravity, even when you've said you don't want to. Maybe you're a woman whose partner throws misrepresented religious texts in your face in an attempt to use your faith to control you. I'm talking to all of you and to all the other women who live somewhere in between these spectrums.

I know you're afraid. I know you don't feel good about yourself. I know he's done everything he can to beat you down so you'll stay. But you don't have to stay. 

I know what you'll say. "He was nice in the beginning." or "He has good in him somewhere, I know it." But that's just a cycle. My ex was really great in the beginning. He had all the makings of a nice guy, and then one day, it flipped. And just when he'd pushed me to the edge and thought I might bolt, he turned back on the nice again. It's an abuser's pattern. It's how they keep you there, under their thumb. Don't let them. Don't fall back into the cycle.

If you stay, you're risking your life. I know you're terrified to leave. You worry about what he'll do. You worry about finances. You worry people will judge you. You're worried about a lot of things. But you're not worried about the most important thing: YOU. No one, and I do mean NO ONE, should live that way.

If you're worried about your safety, seek help from lawyers, friends, family, and law enforcement. If you think there is a chance he might try to kill you for leaving, work out a plan to just disappear. 

If you think you can't afford to leave, confide in close friends and family. I think you'll find them very supportive and helpful. I tried to keep what was going on in my life a secret, but everyone knew. My friends and family saw how abysmally he treated me and how awful he was to them. Even though I never said anything, they KNEW. And when I finally got the courage to confess the truth about my life to a select few, they cried and said they'd been waiting for me to say it. They'd been watching me suffer for years and had wanted to help but didn't know how. I promise there are people who love and care for you, people who would help you. Trust them. Turn to them.

There are many, many agencies set up to help women get out of domestic violence. They can point you in the direction of lawyers and law enforcement to protect you. Here are some (but be sure to check the ones in your local area):

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org/

National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/

Battered Women's Justice Project: http://www.bwjp.org/

Futures Without Violence: https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/

National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence: http://www.ncdsv.org/

No More: http://nomore.org/

I thought I was done with tattoos (Deek and I have 6 each), but I'm thinking about getting just one more. You see, I'm done being silent and ashamed. I'm a survivor. And other women need to know there are survivors out there. They need to see us, see our lives now, and have hope. So, I think I'll soon be getting one of these tattoos. And maybe a woman who's living a terrible life like I used to will see it and know she can escape. You can be free. You can be happy. You deserve it!

If you're being abused in any way, you don't have to stay. Get help. Be smart and safe. Be strong. There IS a better life out there.

Good men do exist. I promise.